Progressive Liberals and Their Argumentum Ad Absurdum
Bears live in bigger holes than foxes. Foxes live in bigger holes than rabbits. Rabbits live in bigger holes than mice. Mice live in bigger holes than ants. Bears are racist, foxes are fascist, rabbits are capitalist monsters, mice are privileged, and ants are victims of institutionalized discrimination.
Progressive liberals present their politics as the moral high ground, as the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you point out that the light is coming from a train and you prefer to run back, they’ll say “you just hate progress”. If you run to save your life because you’re not ready to die, they’ll say “nothing can stop change”.
A man carrying a crowbar runs onto a sports field during a game. You’re worried he might injure someone but your liberal friend reminds you “you’re just a sports fundamentalist who hates athletic diversity”. Liberal educators now say major league team sports are the cause of racism and bigotry in the world because they exclude amateurs.
Supposedly, certain species of fish can change their gender, so it must be normal for human beings to have their genitals removed. Unlike said fish, though, who can change back, the surgery is irreversible. Research shows that people who’ve had a sex change operation are 20 times more likely to commit suicide. That won’t stop a progressive from inventing more genders.
Progressives want to build a global open society from which no one can escape. The Soviets tried it. It ended in the Gulag and 94 million people died of communism. Still, that won’t stop progressives from trying again. This time “for real”.
Shark males are known to take turns raping their females. One male will drag his victim upside down by biting down her top fin while the second male rapes her. Progressive scientists who’ve studied this behavior have drawn two conclusions. One, shark females are victims of patriarchy. Two, if the shark males are illegal immigrants then the females are just being racist.
In the state of Nevada, a large population of wild Mustang horses roams free. They were introduced there by the Spanish Conquistadores about 500 years ago. Because the horses are racially homogeneous, progressive activists have decided to import millions of African zebras and Arab camels.
Polar bears are enjoying too much white privilege. The North Pole should open its borders to black and brown bears, too.
Life at the bottom of the food chain is unfair. From now on, lions must share their kills equally with everyone else. A real lion raises his cubs to hunt meat-neutral.
No gorilla female has ever been the alpha male. Sexist gorilla males have male privilege.